Standup Comedians Are Famous For Relationship Quotes, But You’d Probably Be Wise To Steer Clear Of These If You Don’t Want To End Up Alone.
Comedian George Carlin once said, “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” Regardless of which applies to you, there are things you can say to give yourself a one-way ticket out of any relationship. If you don’t want that to happen, avoid these quotes like the plague.
1. Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think — in a deeper voice.
–Bill Cosby
Implying your girlfriend or wife is a self-centered egotist probably isn’t the best way to keep them around unless they admit you’re right, and you know that’s not going to happen.
2. Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.
–Chelsea Handler
Careful, ladies, this entry on our quotes about relationships list might get some laughs from girlfriends, but if the next guy overhears you saying it, he’ll automatically group you into “not relationship material” regardless of any potential you see.
3. Don’t argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a argument. It’s impossible, you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense.
–Chris Rock
Are women emotionally stunted creatures incapable of introspection and personal growth? Rock seems to think so, but you best lie if you’re in agreement.
4. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
–George Burns
Careful, guys. Commitment-phobia is a sure way to run the good ones off.
5. They have the greeting cards with the couples on the front. They photograph them. These hazy focus people. They’re always having picnics. There’s always a tree, a pond. Who are these people? I don’t know them. I don’t want them on my card either. What am I going to write inside there anyway? “Here’s another couple having a better relationship than us.”
–Jerry Seinfeld
Channeling the neuroses of Jerry Seinfeld has short-term relationship written all over it. After all, didn’t he have a new girlfriend in every episode? Aside from that, pointing out your couple flaws may sometimes be necessary, but tread carefully and do it constructively, okay?
6. I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
–Mitch Hedberg
Tongue in cheek, yes, but many relationship participants have trouble defining what they’re in, and as a result, resentment and distance start to grow. Especially if things have gotten physical, it’s time to have “the talk.”
7. I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying till I get it right.
–Richard Pryor
Pryor may not be the best guy to take Relationship Quotes considering he took the vows seven times to five different women. The last four times he married Jennifer Lee for a year, divorced, then Flynn Belaine twice (one year each with a divorce in between), and finally, Jennifer Lee again from 2001 until his death in 2005, according to RichardPryor.com. If you only want to do it once, take a different course, and don’t ever say this out loud or to yourself. No sense planting the seeds of doubt before a relationship even begins.
8. A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
–Milton Berle
This quote not only reiterates Cosby’s and Rock’s contributions to our quotes about marriage list, but it also brings forth one of the biggest relationship killers out there — rehashing old arguments. Avoid!
9. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
–Henny Youngman
What’s important to someone else may not be that important to you. If she takes her cooking seriously — or anything else — don’t make light of it. Even good-nature jabs can take a serious turn and flush your couple status right down the toilet.
10. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
–Rita Rudner
A lot of truth in this statement, but wait until you’re in the thick of it, and allow it to develop naturally. You don’t want to plant any negative bugs in their head before saying, “I do.” Surprise them with the fact you have bad aim and insist on peeing in the dark.
11. Adam was the luckiest man: he had no mother-in-law.
–Mark Twain
Avoid family bashing. In fact, steer clear of people from high-drama families altogether. They have a tendency of repeating the cycle. But if you must end up with a drama queen or king, let them figure out their family is nuts on their own. Even if they complain a lot about their loved ones, it’s best not to join them.
12. My girlfriend always laughs during sex … no matter what she’s reading.
–Steve Jobs
Okay, Jobs was a funny guy, and this quote highlights his sense of humor, but don’t think under-promising and over-delivering will get you anywhere. Girls like confidence, and if you spend your time lowering expectations, you may never get the chance to raise them.
13. I’m single now, and it’s really weird for me to be dating again because, for the last three years, I’ve just been cheating.
–Amy Barnes
Cheating isn’t cool, and if you’re the type with a wandering eye, best not to let anyone know if you want to be with them. And best to change your ways if you land them.
No one wants to end up alone. NBC News even recently reported a study that found single people may actually have shorter lifespans. Don’t die early, and don’t die alone. In other words, stay away from these Relationship Quotes altogether.
